UNTIL THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS

Often, my mind has wandered much while lying in bed in the midst of trying to fall asleep. At times it has stalled in its wandering, like when entering a room and then forgetting what the main purpose was. It stands alone dumbstruck. At those times it has been numb, and when staring at the blue walls I have thought of nothing but of the fact that I am staring at blue walls. My mind has bounced from numbness to feeling too much, but once while wandering too far, I dug deep to revisit memories of when I was a little girl, I used to play dress up and pretence with my gfs who were also my neighbours. Sometimes we would act as if we were air stewardess, sometimes teachers, doctors, princesses. And through the years, I have increasingly found that people never truly tire of playing games and dressing up, no matter how many years pass. We just lead more sophisticated lives; our words to deceive, more eloquent. From cowboys and Indians, doctors and nurses, to husband and wife, we've never stopped pretending. I would want to very much but yet I don't want to because I can't get past my fears. Its funny how when you finally get what you wanted only to not want it anymore because you simply gave up along the way. It's just too late.